Weeks 11-?: Celebrities

Hello!

This is getting ridiculous isn't it? The previous blog entry was based around Christmas and today's date is the 28th of February meaning there is almost a 2-month gap between the two! Now that's not a blog is it? It's not even a diary or a journal or a periodical. It's just 'some stuff that happened at some point'. This has got to stop.

I am currently writing this in Vancouver Public Library, although by the time I actually finish writing it I probably won't be there anymore. Even though I still have another 2 months left in Whistler (in which time I will probably write 1 blog entry or less), I decided to take a break and spend my two days off down in Vancouver which is as beautiful as ever. Since the last blog entry, not a great deal has happened - well, to me anyway - in the grand scheme of things, I expect a couple of tectonic plates have drifted slightly closer together and some pandas have been shot for fun. But nothing worth writing about.

So in the meantime I want to talk about Canadian television - maybe that's a bit too much of an obvious target, but I think it is still worth a mention. In my bedroom I have 40 channels on the TV and out of these 40 the only ones worth watching are BBC World News (reliable as ever) and the 'Four Seasons Health and Safety Information Channel' - the latter of which continuously shows a loop of an old couple being woken by the fire alarm and proceeding to stealthily walk around the empty corridors of the hotel with handkerchiefs pressed to their faces. The remaining 38 channels can be divided into depressingly few categories, the most significant of these is probably 'documentaries about celebrities', although using the word 'documentaries' is probably pushing it as it just appears to be a lot of people I don't know shouting and saying 'bitch'.

There is a channel almost entirely devoted to the life Britney Spears which seems to be mostly footage of Britney buying petrol or telling the paparazzi to stop filming her buying petrol. This would then be followed by a detailed insight by a celebrity psychologist about how we should all stop filming Britney buying petrol and respect her privacy, which of course would be ridiculous as it would mean the channel would have to shut down and the silly cow would be out of a job.

This got me thinking about the nature of celebrity culture and more specifically what this Britney Spears channel actually aims to achieve. I would argue that the entertainment media doesn't really report stories; it makes stories by either manipulating existing facts or by putting the pressure on celebrities until there is a reaction. If you accept the fact that they are indeed making stories as opposed to reporting them and they are constantly striving to obtain higher sales/viewing figures, what is their ultimate target? Hypothetically, what would be the 'perfect' story to create?

In terms of Britney Spears, I initially thought they are aiming for her to kill herself - the obvious payoff. This would indeed mean rocket high sales and massive publicity. However, after she has been dead for a few weeks, what are they going to report then? I mean, a corpse can't exactly go out and buy petrol. I think in reality their actual target is far more disturbing - if she dies then that is not very interesting, but if she kills her kids on the other hand then that would guarantee healthy sales figures for years to come. Maybe I have lose the plot a bit; I am not saying there are people out there actually wanting her to kill her kids, but whether they like it or not, the nature of the Hollywood entertainment business means that child-death would precisely fulfill the goals and targets of a savage, inhumane industry.

Oh and while we are on the topic of celebrities, I would just like to mention that Will Smith has been staying at the Four Seasons recently. For anyone who doesn't know who he is, Will Smith is one of the few black actors who manage to get work in Hollywood. He also raps and skis (sadly not at the same time). Unfortunately I did not get to see Will in the flesh, but I did get to see Paul Bettany and his son in the elevator... They were going down (bit of gossip there)

A slightly lesser known celebrity who I am fortunate enough to work with is a middle-aged Indian guy with a bad back called Gus. Over the last few weeks I have found myself gradually bonding with him. Every workplace seems to have someone like this; a person who, at the mere mention of their name, everyone in the department will sigh with wearily acceptance. I really respect, and in a peculiar way idolize Gus for the simple reason that he is incredibly good at being lazy. He is to work what Britney is to singing. If most people work until 5.00, Gus would work until 4.53 having worked out that the 'clocking-in machine' automatically rounds the time up or down to the nearest 15 minutes. He is the master of appearing busy, the sheik of avoiding responsibility and the lord high commissioner of passing his workload on to other people. If you suddenly notice that the elevator is leisurely stopping on every floor on the way down, then you can be fairly certain that Gus is on board - and hopefully Paul Bettany is not.

Gus also has a very unique style of humour. He hasn't really perfected the art of constructing and delivering jokes, but my god, that doesn't stop him trying. Gus can make a joke out of anything... seriously anything. The other day I was standing with Gus next to the garbage compactor (my spiritual home) staring blankly into space, when Gus suddenly noticed a sign that read "ORKIS: Odor Control System". He observed that if you remove the 'IS' and put a 'D' on the front of ORKIS, you get 'DORK'. He then proceeded to giggle uncontrollably. In a vain attempt to continue the joke, I suggested that if you remove the 'O' from 'Odor' and add a 'K' to the end, you also get 'DORK'. This almost drove him over the edge. "DORK: Dork Control System" he proudly announced.

Another form of 'Gus joke' draws on surrealist imagery and concepts of authoritative and social incongruity. For example, if a guest requests that a dog bowl be delivered to the room, Gus would suggest that you tell the guest to get it himself from the store room. This would send him off into hysterics. Again, if a guest requests room service, he would suggest that instead of going at the normal time, you turn up in the middle of the night and start vacuuming the room while the guest is trying to sleep. Hilarious! But it doesn't stop there, for the one thing Gus does better than being lazy is hammering a joke to the point of destruction, layering one comic layer on top of another. Inevitably this type of joke will always end with the line "And then the boss walks in!"

But beneath all those complex characteristic layers, he is a genuinely nice person even though he is largely regarded as a lazy grumpy arse. In the last few weeks he really seems to have opened up to me and another colleague, and we have allowed him to realise his limited comic potential. It is an arrogant thing to say, but I think we have definitely made him happier too! Bless him.

That's all for now. At long last I have uploaded the last four months of Whistler photos to the online photo album at http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/chrischivers Be warned, there are lots of pictures of mountains!

Chris